i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
