Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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