Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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