My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
