i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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