is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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