Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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