My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
