I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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