If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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