I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
