I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
