Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
