i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
did you just send me my own nude
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
