too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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