Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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