Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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