Jerry, you need to find god
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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