just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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