you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
