All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
