Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
