Screwed.edu
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
3 2 1 whiskey
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
