This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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