so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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