they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
