Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
