I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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