My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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