oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
