I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Who died my cat blue again?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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