ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
i think we sleep fucked last night...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
