my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
