I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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