Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
where are my eyebrows?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
