no, he came in my armpit
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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