Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
