I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
