I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
