Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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