my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i drank out of a bidet.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
