i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She needs sedatives and a leash
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
