I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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