I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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