so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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