lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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