He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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