Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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