College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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