You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
