It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
