Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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