This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
