Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
