they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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