im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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