I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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