I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
