Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
