i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
