No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
