oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
