Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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