He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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