I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
