I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
