dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
