Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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